Well, I’ll say this much about myself; I’m consistent. In this case, the consistency wasn’t a great thing. Much like every other market I’ve tried (horse racing & tennis) mostly spring to mind I jumped into basketball with no idea what I was doing and started mashing big stake buttons to get myself out of early trouble. I didn’t get out of trouble, quite the opposite actually, it’s fair to say my first few forays into the NBA were bad, like really bad.
In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been anywhere near the ladders on the day I gave up a big bunch of cash. Last week I was shaken quite severely with a private family matter. The matter involved a domestic violence issue, it’s not until you are involved in something like that, that you realise how thin the help on the ground is. The support for woman who have been abused in these situations is not enough, I can only imagine how bad it was 10 or 15 years ago.
I thought I was ok; I didn’t touch my computer the night of or the day after, I knew my head wasn’t right. But after that I thought I would be fine, I’d slept and I felt fine, I wasn’t. My thought processes were clearly irrational, I was trading sports I didn’t know, tennis matches I’ve got no data on, I was not being myself. In some ways, I was almost wanting to feel some success through trading to help me with some of the pain I had been through in the last 48 hours. My emotions got to me big time, this is an instance where I can openly admit that.
I was quickly down $900 to start the week. What a disaster, I was upset with what had happened and on top of that I had dumped $900, almost half of what I had made the week before. All the doubt comes rushing back so quickly; “can I do this”, “am I good enough”, “have I just been lucky”. These are not thoughts I’m unfamiliar with; when I started playing poker I also went through this. That makes it easier to deal with, but they still rattle you to an extent.
STOP, PUT DOWN THE MOUSE, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! I did have the presence of mind to stop before too much damage was done, there’s a positive to take from that. I was also able to fight back later in the week to a manageable loss of something just under $600, again, another positive. Moving forward, I do need to be more mindful of how external pressures or personal matters can adversely effect my trading. I’m often told about “becoming a robot”, that’s just not me. For a long time I thought if I couldn’t do this I couldn’t be a successful poker player and in turn a successful trader, but I beg to differ. For me, when I say; “go and get fucked, shit pass” or “for fuck’s sake hit a winner”, I’m not so wildly filled with emotion that I’m throwing things around the room, I’m just releasing my thoughts, it’s mostly word vomit (those who know me, know I can spew some words). Emotion was what I felt when I found out about the abuse, the red I saw, the screaming of “FUCKKK I’m going to kill him”, that was emotion.
This was a tough week; physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. Time will only tell how the personal matter resolves itself, as for the trading, it’s onwards and upwards, international cricket season starts this week here in Australia and I’m really looking forward to that.
-$571 on the week, account balance +$7,001